What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 17.06.2025 05:56
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
As i do to all so called friends.?
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
Why should we share our wife with others?
I could never make a relationship work though!
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
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And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
It was going to be , some day.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
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Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
We were not on the streets..
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Why did i forgive my father ?
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
I write beautiful poetry .
Are there any penalties for bestiality in the USA and laws prohibiting it?
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
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I was writing from the time i was a small child.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
What is the best way to get my wife to become a hotwife?
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
I couldn’t, believe it.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
My family never makes their pension either.
I have no regrets .
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
But ive been too sick for many years..
My mum and dad in the seventies!
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
She was in good health!
I said to her
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
He resisted the act ,that day.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
When she asked me how she looked .
I had hoped to write a book about this .
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
I don,t even have a pension.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
One cannot live in the past .
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
She loved him until the end.
So, i spoilt her more .
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
And who doesn’t know suffering?
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
She found it foreign!.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
And i lived it daily.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
(And it was in our own minds.)
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
All the time i was locked up.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
I was very sick at this time too.
I was seconnd youngest,
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
I never cut or harmed myself..
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
But it wasn’t much.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
I was 9 years of age.
Im still living with it.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
Put me off passion for life!!
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
Was to survive, this bastard.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
She wouldn,t have been !
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
I was scared of men, in general
But, we were locked up after school.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
She married twice! .
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
I think the readers, may guess!
What did i know ?
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
Im dying but, im not bitter.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
We all went to grammer schools
I will be 64.
So whats the point in blame.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
I know ,a lot about trauma.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
He knew the spot.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
They are buried together, in the same grave..
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
I waited trembling.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
Especially a lifetime of it.
Comes on , in middle age.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
I did it because my mum asked me too!
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
Where the ultimate outsiders.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
My life is so biszare .
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
Ive learnt so much.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
This is soul school!.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
Who then, do I blame.?
Would this be the day?
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,